hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
why is half of my head shaved?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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