next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
