god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
