Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
whose parrot is this?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
