He disabled his match.com account in front of me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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