Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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