i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
