i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
