I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just invented taco cereal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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