How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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