if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
