the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
