remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
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Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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