Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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