dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
