when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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