I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
