Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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