Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
