u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Randomize
