Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
