I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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