i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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