We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
