Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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