I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
