u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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