his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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