dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
