I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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