You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
