apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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