You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
