um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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