you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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