She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
