I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
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We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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