I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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