my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
