I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
