omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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