I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
