i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just cropdusted the office
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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