proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
