hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
