So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
