Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
COCAINE IS GR8
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
