oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
