fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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