we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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