Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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