Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
ttyl tear gas
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
