She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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