I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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