Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
