My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
