M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
