I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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